We were together again...

...for the first time
In a long time.

Just you and me.

Nobody else there to distract you,
Nobody to compete with.

Just the two of us.

And we talked.

For a long time.
Or at least it felt that way.
It felt like forever,
And that's a good thing.

We talked about some stupid stuff,
Funny stuff.
Like my goldfish dying and your church's geese dilemma.

We laughed.
You made me laugh,
And I made you laugh.
I love to make you laugh.

But then we talked about plans for the summer,
And college,
And careers,
And other miscellaneous plans for the future.

And for just a moment we brushed upon each other's dreams.

While you talked I couldn't help but stare at your eyes,
Such a beautiful,
Beautiful color.

And I thought of how silly it was
That you used to wear colored contacts over them.
But you decided to stop using them because you wanted to look like your birth mother.

And I thought that was tender.

So we talked,
And laughed.

And the conversation was only a little bit awkward.

Sometimes it would take a few seconds to bring up a new topic,
But only a few.

And that's remarkable, considering how it used to be.
When we were so far about we had nothing to say to each other.

The tide is pulling us together once more.

The current is weak, and it might not last.
It probably won't.

But still, I can feel it,
Ever so gentle,
Ever so hopeful.

And as you talked on,
And I stared at your eyes,
I said to myself:

I think I love you.

Then, the conversation began to turn.
You mentioned your girlfriend
One too many times.

And was it just me,
Or were we both uncomfortable every time you said her name?
Did your voice soften,
As if in apology,

Or am I delusional?

Then you got a call.
I thought it was your mom.
You didn't say,

But I think it was her.

So we walked towards the parking lot together.
And we parted ways.

And as I sank into my steaming car,
I said to myself:

I don't think I love you.

Love.

I've never experienced it before,

So I'm terrified of it.

To even speak its name,
To give away that first, "I love you."

I'm terrfied to be hurt.
To be jaded.
To turn love into a joke.
A sick joke,
Where no one ends up laughing.

I don't know how I feel about you,
But I'm terrified to call it love.
Because sometimes I feel it,
And sometimes,
That feeling turns cold.

Adults say all the time,
"Love's not just a feeling!"
And that's what I keep telling myself,
When I cling to you.
To the hope that one day

You might finally see me.

But I'm beginning to lose hope again.
Even though that current pulled us
For just a few moments,
It fizzled away again.

And I'm treading water again.

Water.
Why is that my analogy for us?
The survivors of a great storm,
Now slowy drifting apart,
In an endless, grey ocean.

Treading water.

With my heart strings still attatched to yours,
Pulling and hurting,
Sometimes going numb.

Like now.

Even after that blissful moment
When my heart felt good again.

I didn't even feel the pain this time.
It just went straight to numb.

Does that mean something?
Am I done with you?

So many times, I've been tempted to cut the strings.
To be free from this endless,
Fruitless hope.

But when I think of my ideal man,
I can only see you.

Okay, well maybe a little bit taller.
But that's beside the point.

So I guess my question is
What do I do now?