Cat and Mouse

     The story begins with my sister, the heart breaker, who, in her quest for happiness and attention, leaves scores of lovesick puppies in her wake. The current one she's "dating" at the moment is from our church--not the first from our (small) church, and probably not the last. They've been going steady for about six months now (which is a record for Jamie), blissfully disturbing my peace as they sit in the living room, hog the TV, and make googoo eyes at each other almost every weekend.
     Now, here's the thing. This boyfriend has a brother. An older brother. Who's my age. And this brother is desperate to go out with me.
     I don't know why fate has chosen to torture me, but it seems that the guys I am attracted to show absolutely no interest in me, while the guys I wouldn't give a second thought to come tripping over themselves to get to me. So it is the way with this new suitor. He is a musiciann (that can't sing yet still tries), phlegmatic (I want a sanguine), short and stocky (I like tall and wiry), blond (I prefer dark hair) with facial hair that is reminiscent of a satyr (I find both facial hair and satyrs unattractive), who complains about money (one of my pet peeves). Oh, and did I mention he's my sister's boyfriend's brother?
     We have never spoken to each other in all of my four years attending this church, and yet now that his brother is dating my sister, he suddenly has a profound interest in me. Over the past months, he has sent me several messages over Facebook, none of which I have responded to because I'm never on Facebook anyways. He has tried to contact me through my sister on numerous occasions, and sseveral times I have noticed him lurking around the door to the toddler class I volunteer in on Wednesday nights, hoping to catch me. Thank goodness there are two doors in and out of the room, and I have been able to either slip away quietly or cling to my father's side before he can approach me. His brother, who (may I remind you) comes over to the house almost every week, has been incessantly and tactlessly been trying to convince me that he is the man of my dreams.
     Well, last Sunday, he finally did catch me. With my mother feeling sick, my father took my sister to church early (for he works the sound board), and told me to meet him there second service. Sometime in between the two services, my suitor caught wind that I would be arriving shortly. Lo and behold, upon arriving at church just fifteen minutes past the start of second service (out of sympathy for my ailing mother, I walked the dog upon her request before leaving, then stopped by Krispy Kreme for a short breakfast), I find my suitor sitting patiently on the bench just by the doors, waiting for me. I had been caught. The game was over.
     As I approached, he jumped up and invited me to join the Young Adults small group, which has become nothing more than an elite club for the upperclassmen in high school and the few twenty-somethings that still attend our church. It seeming that the worst of this encounter was over, I made a move for the door, and that's when he blurted,
     "And I was also wondering if you would like to get a coffee or see a movie sometime."
I don't drink coffee.
I don't go to movies with strangers.
     "Actually, no. I should just tell you now that I have absolutely no interest in you whatsoever, and that you are wasting your time. Please stop sending me your desperate messages, and please, tell your brother to stop trying to set us up."
At least, that's what I wanted to say. Instead, I had no choice to say something along the lines of,
     "Sure!"
And that was that. I went inside, and I couldn't curse because I was in a church.
     That was last Sunday. At midnight on Thursday, he sent me another message on Facebook asking if we could go out next Tuesday. I didn't know how to respond, so I left it sitting there for the better part of the day. After complaining sufficiently to my friends, I figured I had no choice but to go out with him this once. I was just about to go onto facebook, when the worst of it began.
     As I was sitting at my desk Thursday, I was suddenly getting message after message from him--on Facebook, by email, he even messaged me on AIM. I don't even know how he got ahold of my AIM address. But he did, and the spam flooded my computer all of Thursday night. And by then, I was too frightened to respond.
     So far this week, I have been able to avoid him. I had an art class Wednesday night, and I was relieved to find out that we'll be going to my grandparents' church this Sunday for Father's Day. Still, I can't hide forever. Just last night, my sister knocked on my door, on the phone with her boyfriend, and said that his brother was wondering if I'd gotten his message. I just didn't answer her, and after a few moments, she walked away.
     I know this post will make me sound awful. The fact is, I'm a double-introverted personality, prone to evasive behavior, and, in all honesty, I don't want to waste my time on someone who I am not compatible with in any regard whatsoever. Moreover, I don't want to waste his time, or his money, or lead him on in any way. But I don't know how to tell him that without sounding like more of a jerk than I've already been by ignoring him. So, I hide, like I do with everything else.
     We'll see how this plays out, especially approaching Tuesday, and next Sunday. It's only a matter of time before I have to explain myself, and I'm hoping by then I'll have figured out just what to say. I'll keep you posted.

The Book Blog Launches Tomorrow

     Yesterday I was panicking, telling myself that I didn't want to do this, that I couldn't do it. Naomi and I have been working on it all day today, and now I'm feeling confident again. The blog's design is simple but nice. We have a wide variety of subgenres and ratings of books going up. All the pages are in order, and the pictures in their right place. We have profiles about ourselves, lists of books and authors, and a disclaimer just in case we make anyone mad. I have to say I'm  kind of proud of it.
     All that's left to do in preparation for tomorrow is one last review I have to write tonight, and a check through in the morning to make sure everything's in top shape. We launch at noon.
     Of course, it will forever be an ongoing project. We have to keep writing book reviews, plus other articles that have to do with YA Lit. Sometime soon I want to make a logo for ourselves, and maybe if our blog starts to grow, we should consider hosting advertisements.
     I know at first the following will probably be slow, limited to friends and family. And as the summer gets busier, and eventually school starts up again, keeping up with the blog will grow continuously more difficult. That is why I am choosing to make this an exercise in perserverence. I won't get discouraged when only my teachers and grandparents have subscribed (no offense, Mrs. Weekman or Mema!), and none of the authors we email have gotten back to us. I won't give up when I've got ten errands to run and a summer book report to finish. I'm going to stick with this until at least the end of my senior year. If not until the end of college. If not until the end of grad school. If not beyond...
     This blog could become a big hit, or it could just be something fun my friend and I keep up with to stay in touch and share our passion. Part of it is chance, part of it divine providence, and part of it my attitude, motivation, and persistence--what I choose to make it. And I want to make it the best that it can be.

"Tell me about your five best friends."

That was the question that appeared on your blog.

I leaned into the moniter, my body going numb, eager to read.

We've been getting closer, right? We've been getting closer...

One is God. That works--that's actually a good thing, I guess.

Two is your girlfriend. I expected it, but I still get a little nauseous when you say you want to be with her forever. And when you talked about how much she's helped you. Didn't I help you, all those years ago. I thought I was helping; I tried. We were so young, but I did everything I could. Wasn't that enough...?

Three is my replacement. That was no surprise either. So why does my head go fuzzy? Why do I feel suddenly dizzy? You say you're so much alike, and that isn't true at all. You're so different, so glaringly different. Almost as different as we were. And that's why we gelled so well, and why the two of you gell so well now. I still hate her.

Fourth is another kid from school. I wasn't expecting that, but now that I think about it, you do spend a lot of time together, right? And you've known each other for such a long time. I suppose it makes sense...

Fifth is a bunch of empty words about how "everyone" is your best friend. People always say that to make their less-important friends feel better. I know that. It means nothing.

How have we fallen so far? Three, almost four (so much time has passed already?) years ago, I would have been at the top of that list. Maybe still below your current girlfriend, who you always broke up with before the end of the school year. Then, for just a little while, maybe only weeks, or days, or even once hours, it was just you and me before the next one came along.

You were my best friend at school. We went everywhere together--even the teachers noticed. At lunch, between classes, at our lockers, which were only two apart. We did projects together. You came early once the day of my birthday party, and we made smoothies and watched Dr. Phil and Nancy Grace.

You never knew that I liked you. We would walk arm in arm down the halls, and I'd pretend that we were actually together. Once you asked me to carry your jacket to class for you, and when no one was looking, I put it to my face and smelled it, because I've heard that if you're meant to be with someone, you're attracted to their smell. I was so scare someone would see that I actually forgot what it smelled like right away, and I didn't dare try again. Still, it's one fond memory I have of my secret crush on you.

My secret crush on you. Is it even still there? Am I only clinging onto it for the sake of having someone to care about, or am I just letting my emotions control me, despite what's really true? Do I still care about you that way?

I feel like we don't even know each other any more. It really has been almost four years. Four years of growing and changing and living. There's so much I don't know, maybe that I never knew, maybe that I should have asked about when I had you right there beside me, instead of making jokes.

We rode out the worst of the storm together, despite everything around us trying to rip us apart.

We stuck together.

It was the after shocks that got us.

The reprecussions, the broken friendships around us, the new ones that formed. They pulled us apart, slowly, subtly. I don't know when I first noticed, but it's painfully obvious now. The gap between us is so much wider than I thought.

And we've been getting closer...

I feel like there's just no point anymore. No point trying to win you over, to earn your favor, to climb onto the list of your top five friends. I had my time with you, and it's over.

But I'll keep coming back. Because even if I can't ever be that close to you again, I still want to hear your laugh. I still want to hear all of your crazy, exaggerated stories. I still want to look into your beautiful, smiling eyes. I still want to watch the way you kick your feet back sometimes when you shift them, and pass things back and forth in your hands as you talk, and flip your hair every now and then, and do impressions of many different people, but in the same generic ways. I want to hear more about your plans for the summer, for college, for the future. More about what you want to do when you grow up. More about your relationships with your parents, and how you feel about not fitting in.

I know it's only the surface of who you are, only the show you put on for others, or the "safer" topics you like to discuss with your lesser friends.

But, if it's all I can get from you, then I am going to hold onto it as tightly as I can, and relish in every moment of it.