That was the question that appeared on your blog.
I leaned into the moniter, my body going numb, eager to read.
We've been getting closer, right? We've been getting closer...
One is God. That works--that's actually a good thing, I guess.
Two is your girlfriend. I expected it, but I still get a little nauseous when you say you want to be with her forever. And when you talked about how much she's helped you. Didn't I help you, all those years ago. I thought I was helping; I tried. We were so young, but I did everything I could. Wasn't that enough...?
Three is my replacement. That was no surprise either. So why does my head go fuzzy? Why do I feel suddenly dizzy? You say you're so much alike, and that isn't true at all. You're so different, so glaringly different. Almost as different as we were. And that's why we gelled so well, and why the two of you gell so well now. I still hate her.
Fourth is another kid from school. I wasn't expecting that, but now that I think about it, you do spend a lot of time together, right? And you've known each other for such a long time. I suppose it makes sense...
Fifth is a bunch of empty words about how "everyone" is your best friend. People always say that to make their less-important friends feel better. I know that. It means nothing.
How have we fallen so far? Three, almost four (so much time has passed already?) years ago, I would have been at the top of that list. Maybe still below your current girlfriend, who you always broke up with before the end of the school year. Then, for just a little while, maybe only weeks, or days, or even once hours, it was just you and me before the next one came along.
You were my best friend at school. We went everywhere together--even the teachers noticed. At lunch, between classes, at our lockers, which were only two apart. We did projects together. You came early once the day of my birthday party, and we made smoothies and watched Dr. Phil and Nancy Grace.
You never knew that I liked you. We would walk arm in arm down the halls, and I'd pretend that we were actually together. Once you asked me to carry your jacket to class for you, and when no one was looking, I put it to my face and smelled it, because I've heard that if you're meant to be with someone, you're attracted to their smell. I was so scare someone would see that I actually forgot what it smelled like right away, and I didn't dare try again. Still, it's one fond memory I have of my secret crush on you.
My secret crush on you. Is it even still there? Am I only clinging onto it for the sake of having someone to care about, or am I just letting my emotions control me, despite what's really true? Do I still care about you that way?
I feel like we don't even know each other any more. It really has been almost four years. Four years of growing and changing and living. There's so much I don't know, maybe that I never knew, maybe that I should have asked about when I had you right there beside me, instead of making jokes.
We rode out the worst of the storm together, despite everything around us trying to rip us apart.
We stuck together.
It was the after shocks that got us.
The reprecussions, the broken friendships around us, the new ones that formed. They pulled us apart, slowly, subtly. I don't know when I first noticed, but it's painfully obvious now. The gap between us is so much wider than I thought.
And we've been getting closer...
I feel like there's just no point anymore. No point trying to win you over, to earn your favor, to climb onto the list of your top five friends. I had my time with you, and it's over.
But I'll keep coming back. Because even if I can't ever be that close to you again, I still want to hear your laugh. I still want to hear all of your crazy, exaggerated stories. I still want to look into your beautiful, smiling eyes. I still want to watch the way you kick your feet back sometimes when you shift them, and pass things back and forth in your hands as you talk, and flip your hair every now and then, and do impressions of many different people, but in the same generic ways. I want to hear more about your plans for the summer, for college, for the future. More about what you want to do when you grow up. More about your relationships with your parents, and how you feel about not fitting in.
I know it's only the surface of who you are, only the show you put on for others, or the "safer" topics you like to discuss with your lesser friends.
But, if it's all I can get from you, then I am going to hold onto it as tightly as I can, and relish in every moment of it.
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