I'm too hard on myself. I have this idea that I have to look perfect in front of strangers. Literally. I make sure I'm dressed my best, that my makeup is just right. I sit up a little straighter, and my tone gets more pleasant and formal. i watch my "like"s and try to remember my "mam"s and "sir"s. If anything, I sit quietly and pay close attention to whatever the adults are talking about. If I get put on the spot, i try to sound as intelligent and responsible as possible. I try to sound like the demure, ever-patient eldest sister. I try to sound perfect.
The problem is, I'm trying to present a standard that I could never hope to meet. I screw up, spill something, say the wrong thing, get angry. And then, I send myself through hours of torturous mental punishment by telling myself what an idiot I am, and how stupid I looked in front of everyone, and how silly and insignificant I am compared to the rest of the universe. Even now, I'm thinking about how selfish I am because I'm talking about myself and not the tsunamis in Japan or the starving children in Africa. But somewhere in this world of sorrows I know I have to deal with my own problems.
This isn't a sob story, or at least it's not supposed to be. This is a chance to show myself how rediculous I am when I get in this rut. When I cry over a game of Scrabble (yes, that's what happened to spur this post), or spend hours prepping and wringing my hands when guests are coming over. The bottom line is, I'm scared of other people's judgement. I'm scared they're going to go home and whisper aabout me, and tell all their friends, and soon everybody on earth is going to know what a clumsy, geeky, awkward loser I am.
That in itself sounds rediculous, and I'm glad I can read over it and see that. It means I'm making some progress. Hopefully, I'll be able to move forward with this self-esteem thing, and finally learn to be comfortable around other people, even if I don't know them.
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